Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are building them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")

In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, sure, let us have Yet another area wherever American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer you All people a set over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

According to paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often soft electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It's that he should really end using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested concerning the job, replied, "You realize, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Excellent tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."

Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head visible from space, a attribute becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, labeled.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.

"It really is not just unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Bewildering Options

Perhaps the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium where friends may well ponder vague disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Management set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Local Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-old Trump Tower Damascus Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"

The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:

"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is For good."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:

"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it'd stabilize the world"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is now attracting consideration from international traders, including:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also include things like:

A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Segment Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are unable to wait around to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a lodge where by my PTSD might have switch-down company."

A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Influence

U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences propose:

China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Ultimate Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It required a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."